A Riot is an Ugly Thing

What the World Cup needs

I'm not a big soccer fan, and I'm not wild about the World Cup. However, I do like this.

Monster Matchup

We already know that werewolves and vampires don't get along, but what would happen if some other famous monsters battled it out.  Today, I'm looking at a match-up between raptors and werewolves.

 
The Raptor is very fast, relentless, and equipped with those vicious killing claws. 

The werewolf is very strong, supernaturally indestructible, and packed with bloodlust.

Most likely, the actual Velociraptor looked more like this, and stood between 2 and 3 feet tall, instead of the Jurassic Park version.  At first glance, that doesn't seem too tough, but put a pack 6 to 10 of them against this more subdued, pussier version of a wolfman, and we might have a decent fight.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

After my Grandfather's death, my Grandmother used to talk about finding a Spanish gentleman. She never did. Grandma just settled into a routine of coming down with whatever the Reader's Digest Disease of the Month happened to be.  

Grandma's favorite Spanish gentleman was Ricardo Montalban, who actually wasn't Spanish; he happened to be from Mexico City, Mexico.  So, Feliz Cinco de Mayo Khan!

Contrary to popular belief, I'm not dead; I'm just working on a show.

Sorry for my dearth of posts recently. but here is a picture of the Titan arum (Amorphophallus titanum). The scientific name, Amorphophallus titanum, means the giant misshapen penis.  The plant is also referred to as the Corpse Flower, as it emits the odor of decaying flesh when it blooms.

 

At long last, Science steps up to the plate!!!

Science has decided that breast-feeding is healthy and cheap.  It can also save lives. That is absolutely the truth! Because if I don't get some titties in my mouth, and soon, I will die. I don't care if nothing comes out of it; I just like to suck on them.  Ladies line up; I don't usually eat breakfast, but I'm ready to ring the dinner bell. 

Maundy Thursday

In another blatant ripoff of a religious ceremony, Keitholicism is grabbing Maundy Thursday. If I read it correctly, I'm going to be slathering my Holy Oil all over my female practitioners.  Ladies line up, please, as only a limited supply of Holy Oil exists. However, if I run out, I can just spit on you.

For the gentleman, we will use the British tradition, whereby the Queen distributes money.  However, Keitholicism don't give cash except to strippers, so a giant mutant queen ant is going to squeeze an egg into your hand, instead. Please insert this egg into your ear, for safe keeping.  You will be told how to proceed once the egg hatches and the larva starts to burrow into your brain.  

King of the Nerds

In one of DaisyFae's recent blogs, we discussed our high school nerd roots, mine run fairly deep.  I didn't have a single date in high school.  I was a lab assistant, multiple science fair winner, Audubon Society Award winner, Institute of Environmental Sciences winner, and member of the Dungeons and Dragon Club.

My prom date canceled on me 4 hours before I was supposed to pick her up,  because her Mom, the cunt, didn't want her to go with me.  Her mother didn't think any of her family should mix with mine, because neither of my parents had a college degree.  That's totally true.  You might well ask yourself, what kind of job did this woman have? Certainly, she was a lawyer?  She wasn't...well, she had to have been a physicist then? Not exactly...oh, she was a tenured college professor? No, she was an Elementary School teacher, which should in no way be viewed as disrespect for school teachers.

Anyway, I digress from my original nerdly intentions.  As I told DaisyFae, I used to sell Science Fair projects.  They went $15 for a winner, and $10 for a regular project. I generally knew what would win. It had to demonstrate the scientific method. You had to identify your control, you needed multiple trials, and you had to cut down on variation that would affect your results. However, the pièce de résistance was if your results disproved your hypothesis, and you acknowledged it in your conclusion. The judges would get a big-old erection when they read it, and  slap a ribbon on your project.  I liked science and I liked money, so it was win-win for me.

I hearkened back to my nerdy days, this evening. On Saturday, I picked up a splinter at the theater. I hadn't done a good job getting it out, and by this evening it was festering.  Tonight, I went down to my garage and dug my stereo-microscope out of storage.  I stuck my wounded finger under the microscope; did I mention the microscope is fully illuminated? (Man, I bet DaisyFae is swooning right now!) I was able to locate the rest of the offending splinter and gently remove it with very fine-pointed tweezers.  It already feels better. 

As I go to sleep tonight, I imagine, In some other part of the country, that a far superior family must have to suck on their fingers and howl like fuckin' Proconsul africanus, whenever they get a splinter. 

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

St. Patrick's Day: A cautionary tale

  
 

Catching up

Well, it has been a busy two weeks. When last I left you, we were celebrating the favored holiday of Keitholicism, Ass Wednesday.  I got to celebrate in a different way at work.  A homeless man slipped past the gate guards here on base. We happen to be the closest building to the front gate, so he walked up to our visitor's entrance. He rang the bell and got buzzed in, but didn't wait very long at the visitor's desk before he set off exploring.  The receptionist ran into my office and told me we had an unauthorized visitor running loose in the building. I tracked him down into an empty cubicle where he was helping himself to trash bags, and if I hadn't gotten there in time, likely some pilfer-able equipment.  I managed to get him out of the building, after he frightened some people and strained some work relationships (more on that later). 

By the time we got outside, he wasn't very happy with me. The police arrived quickly, and took custody of the dude. When they searched him, imagine my surprise to learn that he had six knives on him.  I honestly don't think he was there to hurt anybody. I think he was going to take whatever he could quickly get his hands on, and get out.  However, that doesn't prevent me from recounting the tale of how I single-handedly faced down a crazed-psychotic bristling with weaponry.  This would have never happened, if my Delores was still here!

During the festivities, the homeless dude managed to get into a suite of four offices with an outer office area where the secretary sits.  At the time he got in there, he was fleeing from me, and people in that area knew this wasn't a good thing.  One of the managers, a fellow who portrays himself as an outdoorsy Marlboro man, ran into his office and slammed the door, leaving the secretary trapped in the outer office with the stranger, after making eye-contact with the poor woman.  One of the other managers in that suite came out of his office and shoved the secretary through his door and closed it.

Needless to say, the secretary and this manager are not quite getting along at the moment. The guy is taking a ration of good-natured, and some maybe not good-natured, ribbing about his less than heroic behavior.  In fact, the guy has taken off a good bit since the incident.  You really don't know what you'd do in one of those situations, but I guess he found out. 

I'm satisfied to know that I went toward the trouble. Which, of course, verifies my status as the Alpha Male, the stallion, the silverback, the top dog, the male lion; "King Kong ain't got nothin' on me!"  However, if I'd have known he had all those knives, I'd have been heroically weeping under a desk, with a big snot bubble coming out of my nose.   

Happy Ass Wednesday

Today is the most holy of days in Keitholicism, Ass Wednesday!

Take some time to appreciate an ass or two; they are one of God's most striking inventions.

 
Ass Wednesday was suggested by one of the original disciples of Keitholicism, Sweetie.

Happt Ass Wednesday!